Barry Bonds: Perjury Alright, Lying BAD

After Bonds hit his 2 home runs back on Thursday, he decided to call out the Cubs fans that didn't throw back his home run balls because they lied. And then two days later he says that he's not at all worried about possibly being indicted by a grand jury for perjury.

In other news, Bonds claims that people with knee injuries are wussies and people with incredibly large heads look funny.

Two HRs for Bonds...

...and three wins for the Cubs.

I'll take that and sleep well tonight. Granted, the DeRosa-Bonds HR rivalry is becoming more and more one-sided. But at least he didn't break any records against us.

Go Cubs.

You Won't Like Us When We're Angry

I'm sorry, what was that Mr. Zito? You beat us yesterday? And Barry Bonds is still too much of a pansy to play a game at Wrigley? How about this: You keep pretending that Bonds has abnormally sore knees and that you are good enough to qualify as a team, and we'll just use our backup catcher to destroy you 12-1. Sounds like a good deal to me.

Oh yeah, and we won't hit a single home run during this massacre. Those are overrated anyways.

Welcome to the team Jason...

...aNOT!

For the record...

My colleague on this site seems to think that I believe Mark Cuban is going to magically bring a World Series win to the Cubs. Erroneous.

I believe that we're going to win it this year, so it won't be magic when we win it next year with Cuban.

I also believe that regardless of his fan affiliations growing up, Mr. Cuban is an exciting prospect for owner compared to some of the ho-hums that have turned in their papers. He has a personal flare that is hard to find in a land full of Bud Selig wannabes. He has proven that he is dedicated to greatness in all that he has got involved in (just ask Dirk) and I think that his is a face that would be a welcomed addition to this already fine organization.

And I don't even care that he probably would secretly root for the Pirates. They suck, and I fully expect them to continue doing so for at least the next decade.

Should the Cubs Be Sold to a Man Who's Not a Cubs Fan?

If you've been reading this blog for a while, and by a while I mean before I started writing about pitchers doing comedic routines and my traffic started spiking, you have probably heard our feelings on Mark Cuban. RFS feels that he would magically help us win a World Series. I disagree. And as it turns out, so does Mike Downey.

After all of this bull that the Cubs won't have the wherewithal to increase payroll for a serious run at the pennant, there they were Monday, making a midsummer pitch to a catcher who makes about $13 million a year.

And after all of this bull that they need Cuban to buy this team and show them how things should be done, the Cubs have added a high-priced star to a roster that already is being paid hundreds of millions of dollars.

Yes, that same Mark Cuban who once said it killed him to sing "root, root, root for the Cubbies" at Wrigley Field and wished he could sing "Pirates" instead. That's the guy you want to own this team?

He goes on to explain his thoughts even more, but that's not important. What really matters is that someone who spent four years in college learning how to write and actually makes a living watching sports and writing about them agrees with little old me. In fact, he feels so strongly about it that he's willing to use a dirty word like "bull" to make his point. Before you know it, he'll be moving on to "bull-poo".

Also: Barry Bonds is still a huge pansy.

Donde Está Barry Bonds?

The Cubs won a solid game against the Giants tonight, which was largely overshadowed by the roided-up 8 foot gorilla in the room that was surprisingly good at hiding. But let's all stop kidding ourselves and admit that we knew all along Barry wasn't planning on playing tonight. If there's one thing we know about Barry it's this: He's a huge douchebag. While that may not apply to him not playing tonight, the second thing we know about him does. Barry wants everyone to love him, no matter how much he yells at the media. He wants to pretend that people don't know about his steroids and that the world is throwing flowers and palm branches at his feet. Barry is not stupid, so he knows that if he hits a monumental home run anywhere but the Bay, he will be booed for a solid 15 minutes. Therefore, Barry does not wish to play at our historical stadium. And that suits me just fine.

I considered compiling a list of things I hate about Barry Bonds, but I realized he is not deserving of the amount of effort that would take. Maybe I'll come up with something later if he actually plays and I have a lot of free time.

On a wholly unrelated note, Erin Andrews was at Wrigley tonight, reporting from the street where I stand in line to wait for good bleacher seats. All I need now is a red Ferrari to take to the game and a ticket for me and Ms. Andrews, and then my personal genie can retire in peace.

Jim Hendry Never Sleeps

Rod Bowen must have had a busy and slightly confusing day. First off, the recent acquisition from the Padres was designated for assignment after batting only .065 in 10 games with the Cubs. While that is a very poor average, I don't think the Cubs ever really gave him a shot to settle into a groove. But no matter, for about an hour later he was being sent to Oakland instead of Iowa, a much more pleasant and sunny destination.

What? A catcher who gets in fights? Really?

Bowen was traded to the A's along with minor league pitcher Jerry Blevins for catcher Jason Kendall. You probably remember Kendall as the former catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates, where he was very, very good. A career .298 hitter, Kendall has had a few extremely good seasons when it comes to batting average, including .325 and .319 in '03 and '04. To put that in perspective, remember when people thought Michael Barrett would have a shot at the batting title, except that he didn't have enough at bats? That was last year, when he ended up with a measly .307. Pansy.

Essentially what this all boils down to is that somehow Hendry traded Michael Barrett straight up for Jason Kendall, because the Cubs received a minor leaguer along with Bowen in the trade for the Padres. Even without taking into consideration Barrett's considerable temper...wow. Look at those stats and tell me that wasn't an incredible deal. Not only does Kendall have a high average, he gets on base enough that he is usually used as a leadoff hitter and he averages about 150 games played a year. Even if he's having a crappy year so far, I give a tip of my hat to Mr. Hendry for finagling this deal.

Jason Kendall a Cub?

ESPN is reporting that we are near a deal that would send Rob Bowen to the Athletics for Jason Kendall in search of a catcher that can hit (where is Henry Blanco when we need him?).

This is awesome.

Cubs Sweep Astros; D-Lee Flips Off the Haters

This game defined how Cubs baseball has been recently. Normally when you go down 5-0 in the 2nd inning to the Astros you start planning ahead for tomorrow's game. Maybe you'll be able to mount a comeback by the time you get to the 8th inning. Not these Cubs. They fought back with a 6 run 2nd inning to take the lead, and took it for good on Ryan Theriot's solo shot in the 4th. I think that was Ryan's personal way of showing his distaste for the 2nd base umpire, who was clearly on the Astro's payroll when he called Hunter Pence safe at 2nd on a stolen base. Or maybe he could just use some bifocals.

And for all the people saying Derrek Lee is doing something wrong because he isn't hitting home runs, how about these numbers today. Lee went 3-for-3 with a 3-run homer in that 2nd inning. The man is batting .335 and people are complaining that he isn't hitting enough home runs? I think he just likes to save up his homers for when the team really needs it, there's no need to embarrass other teams every game when usually a double will suffice.

The Cubs are 25-12 since June 3rd, best record in baseball over that time. I'm predicting we take the division two weeks from today.

Rich Hill Will Not Be Shown Up

The Cubs crushed the Roy Oswalt and the Astros today, but that's not really that important or surprising. Bigger news would be that we're suddenly in the heat of a division race, trailing the struggling Brewers by only 3.5 games, but again, that is not the story of the game. No, what really matters today is that the Cubs have another pitcher who moonlights as a comedian/impressionist.

During today's FOX intro for the Cubs lineup, Rich Hill went with a solid imitation of the character Kip Dynamite from the movie Napoleon Dynamite. At first, when I had no idea what was going on, I thought maybe he had been stung by a bee on his tongue. It was that good, and definitely gave Ryan Dempster and his Harry Caray impression a run for his money. I can't find any video of the intro right now, but if I do it'll be up here faster than you can say quesadilla.

(I didn't like that movie, by the way. Supposedly it gets funnier the more you watch it, but by the time I did see it I had already heard all the jokes. And why would I watch it again if it sucked the first time?)

EDIT: Here's another video of Dempster's Harry Caray impression, still can't find the one he did for FOX though. If you find a link to the FOX videos for either Hill or Dempster, I'll send you a dollar. For real. Do it.




EDIT x2: Brilliant reader skr found the video and gave it to me for free! How thoughtful.



Via Texas Gal's baseball blog Center Field