And Now...The Starting Line Up...For Your...CHICAGO CUBS!!!

You know, I like Wayne Messmer, I really do. Heck everyone does. The guy is just loaded with class, and every time he sings the national anthem it makes me love my country so much more than when anyone else does it. He even survived being shot in the throat, and still has a better voice than just about everyone else in the world. But seeing as the Cubs have completed a miraculous 98 year stretch without a World Series title, I think they could use a little something extra to push them over the edge. Something like having Ray Clay as the public address announcer.



Think about it. In 1990 the Bulls had never won an NBA Title before. Then they decide to bring in Ray Clay to announce the starting lineup, and they win 6 in the next 8 years. Coincidence? I think not. The Cubs need to do something as drastic as this to turn their season around. Or I guess they could just spend $297 million in the offseason. Yeah, that could work too.

And with that, here is the Opening Day lineup for the Cubs this year.



Alfonso Soriano, CF

• Salary: $17 million (includes $8 million signing bonus)
  
• Key Stat: See above
• Comments: Fonzy is a phenomenal player, there's no doubt about that. And I was very impressed that the Cubs managed to reel him in, as I'm sure most Cubs fan were. But what is Lou doing with him? Well we need a centerfielder, and Soriano's never played there before, so let's just put him there instead of putting him back at second base where be belongs and bringing up the kid that everyone has been praising for the last three years to play center. And in the meantime let's put him at the head of the lineup even though his on-base percentage is unimpressive at best and he's the best power hitter we have. The only consolation I have from this train of thought is that he does put up his best numbers when he's batting leadoff.

Matt Murton, LF

• 2006 Salary: $380,000
• Key Stat: .303 Career Batting Average
  
• Comments: This kid is the best value for the money the Cubs have. And he's more consistent than the ailing Cliff Floyd. And he has brilliant red hair. What more do you want?

Derrek Lee, 1B

• Salary: $13 million
• Key Stat: His entire 2005 season
• Comments: Derek Lee is the total package. In 2005 he was dangerously close to winning the triple crown until late in the season, and he kept pace with Albert Pujols for most of the year. Not only that, but he wins gold gloves consistently. If he hadn't been injured last year, well the Cubs still would have sucked, but we would have at least beaten the Pirates.
  

Aramis Ramirez, 3B

• Salary: $9 million (includes $1 million of his $5 million signing bonus)
• Key Stat: 38 Hr, 119 RBI in 2006
• Comments: Aramis is a lot like Lee, except that he doesn't get on base as much and when he does, well, he doesn't like to move to the next base in a hurry. The guy is a slacker, which I can understand. Supposedly Lou is on his back about hustling on the basepaths, but I'll believe it when I see it.

Jacque Jones, RF

• Salary: $4 million
• Key Stat: Whined to the press about 12 times last year
• Comments: Despite an extremely weak start to the season last year, Jacque actually did a decent job of finishing off the year (.285 BA, 27 HR). But in that month or so when he was basically the worst player in baseball, Jacque famously complained that the fans were booing him. I'm sorry, what did you expect us to do when your batting average was at .188 through 20 games, shower you with daisies and kittens? I respect the man for dealing with it and turning his season around but come on, what kind of fans did you have in Minnesota if you weren't expecting us to be disappointed with your start?

Michael Barrett, C

• Salary: $4.4 million
• Key Stat: 1 punch to the face of a White Sox player
• Comments: Michael Barrett is a stud. He's one of the best hitting catchers in baseball, and if he has a problem with you he's not gonna cry about it (looking at you, Jacque), he's just gonna sock you one in the jaw. I respect that in a man. And he may not call the best game as a catcher, but that's why we resigned Henry Blanco.

Mark DeRosa, 2B

• Salary: $4.33 million
• Key Stat: .263 Career Batting Average before last season
• Comments: My first reaction to hearing that the Cubs had signed the "talented" Mark DeRosa as a second baseman was..."who?". The guy had a pretty good contract year in 2006 with the Rangers but that's exactly what it was, a contract year. Now that he's tied down until 2009, I won't be surprised if he plays poorly enough to warrant replacing him with Ryan Theriot (Batting .371 in ST and only making $380,000 this year).

Cesar Izturis, SS

• Salary: $4.15 million
• Key Stat: 54 Games Played last year
• Comments: The late season acquisition the Cubs received for Greg Maddux, Cesar was supposed to solve our shortstop problem, namely that we had Ronny Cedeno playing the position. He may not have the best hitting stats, in fact he has pretty terrible hitting stats, but he's won a Gold Glove before so we assume he can play the position well. We only assume this because shortly after joining the team he was injured, as is customary for the job (Nomar anyone?).

Carlos Zambrano, P

• Salary: $12.4 million
• Key Stat: 12.16 AB/HR in 2006
  
• Comments: Carlos is a dominating pitcher, but that is for another post. He is also a great power hitter, as he demonstrated last year with 6 home runs, which is twice as many as Juan Pierre had, even though Juan played in every single game last season. His AB/HR ration last year was better than the career ratio for everyone who has ever played the sport other than Mark McGwire and the Babe.

Come back sometime in the next couple of days and we'll have the pitching preview, where I will basically tear down everyone who isn't named Zambrano or Hill.