Petition to Never Let Wade Miller Pitch Again

The Cubs have a problem, and his name is Wade Miller. Mr. Miller is not a good pitcher, which is why the team has put him on the DL with "back spasms". I want to make sure that Wade does not curse this team with his inability to pitch any longer, so I did what any 1st Amendment respecting American would do. I created a petition to achieve this lofty goal.

The full text of the petition is written below, with the permission of the petition's author. That would be me. If you would like to assist us in this noble cause, please follow the link and sign the petition yourself. We must band together to right this horrible wrong.

Petition to Never Let Wade Miller Pitch Again

To: Lou Piniella, Jim Hendry, John McDonough, and other high ranking officials of the Chicago Cubs organization.

We, the undersigned, feel that the Chicago Cubs settled for a fifth pitcher in spring training that was not up to the high standards that have been set for the team this year when Wade Miller was chosen. Even the fact that he had to seriously compete with the injury riddled Mark Prior shows that he was not the best choice for this team. While he has had a few good seasons in recent years playing for the Houston Astros, he constantly reminds us that past success does not always predict future performance.

We feel that the recent actions of relegating Mr. Miller to the disabled list with “back spasms” are a step in the right direction. However, Mr. Piniella has reiterated many times that the team needs a 12th pitcher to be successful. We desire that level of success for the team, and therefore ask that a more permanent solution be put into place. Eventually the team will need a fifth starter again, and this starter should be a young talent that can develop into someone along the lines of Rich Hill. Wasting the team’s time waiting for Mr. Miller to return to his former self is not in the team’s best interest.

Therefore, we ask that the team come up with a solution so that Wade Miller will never pitch as a starter in a Cubs uniform again. It is of no concern to us how this solution is implemented. The most optimal course of action would be to trade Mr. Miller for a young arm that can develop in the Cubs farm system. If a trade cannot be made, however, we recommend that the team prolong the current solution by placing Mr. Miller on the 60 day disabled list. With full knowledge that his aforementioned back spasms are a figment of the organization’s imagination, we recommend that his ailment be listed as a more serious sounding medical condition. These may include, but are not limited to, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, hot dog fingers, government created killer nano robot infection, Count Choculitis, anal fissures, inverted penis, or any of the multitudes of different STDs available. We suggest that the STDs be used as a last resort, however, as that can damage a man’s ego for life.

In conclusion, we understand that Lou and the Cubs are trying their hardest to win. Sometimes the calls just don’t go your way, the weather messes up your rhythm, and you can’t string together hits to save your life. We feel that all these effects will be diminished if Wade Miller does not pitch as a starting pitcher in a Cubs uniform again this year, and we kindly ask that the organization does whatever necessary to make this dream become reality.

Sincerely,

The Undersigned